


In my head

by hisokapegger



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Children, F/M, Manipulation, Married Couple, Married Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:08:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26514967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisokapegger/pseuds/hisokapegger
Summary: You're Illumi's wife and you try to stop him from training your daughter, he’s not happy.
Relationships: Illumi Zoldyck/Reader
Comments: 9
Kudos: 77





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Word Count: 1 656
> 
> Pairing: Illumi Zoldyck x Reader
> 
> A/N: Ok so this is the first time I write Illumi as violent and not soft. So let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!

Several words could have been used to describe Illumi and most of them brought dread. By one simple look in his direction, you could feel the lingering presence of death. But that never once bothered you. Now to say you weren’t intimidated by the assassin on the fateful day you met would be a lie.

Like many, you couldn’t help the uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach when he first laid eyes on you. But as time passed those emotions faded. Maybe it was the vulnerability Illumi showed you sometimes or your affection for him, you couldn’t tell. But one thing was sure, it was that it clouded your vision, in a way that it could get dangerous.

You watched your daughter’s tired eyes and bruised skin as rage took over you. The bandages covering her arms and legs hit you as a cruel reminder of who your husband really was. There were a lot of compromises you had made in order for your relationship with the assassin to work. But right now it felt like your daughter and you were the only ones sacrificing.

There were a number of things you had agreed to with some convincing on the assassin’s part. But this was too much. You couldn’t tolerate being a bystander to your child’s suffering and Illumi was foolish to think you would comply so easily. Today there would be no training for your daughter, it was a promise.

You sat on the edge of her bed, your hand combing through her silky black hair. The sun hadn’t set yet as you looked at the ticking clock on the wall. Illumi would come in no time expecting her to be ready to leave. But you had instructed your daughter to stay in bed and she had just fallen back to sleep when you got up and closed the bedroom door behind you. 

You could hear Illumi’s light footsteps down the dimly lit corridors of the mansion as you guarded the wooden door behind you. There was a hint of surprise in his dark eyes when he approached you. He looked a little more tired than usual you noticed, however. The assassin had just gotten back from his last mission yet he was more than ready to torture his daughter.

“Good morning, [Name]. Isn’t Elmina ready yet?” he asked, head slightly tilted to the side.  
“She’s not training today,” you replied in a cold voice.  
“And why is that?”  
“Because I said so, Illumi,” you declared, trying to contain your anger.  
“It’s not up to you to decide. Now if you could please move out of the way, [Name].”

Illumi’s arm reached for the doorknob but you quickly stopped him. He stared at you then let out a small sigh.

“I told you to get out of the way, please,” he repeated as he shoved you to the side.

Your eyes widen a little as you stumbled and he finally entered the bedroom. Your daughter who was awakened by the noise sat up on her bed and rubbed her sleepy eyes. She watched Illumi make his way towards her and shivered slightly.

“Why aren’t you ready, Elmina?” he asked in a monotonous voice.  
“I… I’m sorry dad,” she answered in a small voice as she quickly got out of bed.  
“Hurry up.”  
“I told you she is not training today,” you snapped at the assassin.

Your daughter froze in place, witnessing the sudden change of atmosphere in the room. Illumi turned around facing you this time.

“And I told you it’s not up to you to decide. What’s gotten into you, today?” he asked confused by your behaviour.

You ignored his question and walked over to your daughter, hiding her protectively from Illumi.

“Mina, go get ready, now,” the assassin ordered, his eyes not leaving yours.  
“No,” you said as you held her in place behind your body.

This didn’t seem to phase Illumi, however. The man got closer to you, ready to push you to the side again and take away his daughter. But you weren’t moving this time. Your aura flowed around you gracefully as you held your husband’s arms, a fire in your eyes he had never seen before. But his own Nen responded automatically as he forcefully pulled you out of the way.

You aimed at his jaw knowing there was no way you could get out of this situation peacefully. But he quickly blocked your right hand as expected. Then your left hand, then the right one again then on and on as you kept striking. Thankfully, you had good stamina and you were known to be stubborn. So your attacks kept coming one after the other.

But Illumi was starting to get impatient. He didn’t want to hurt you. He knew the power gap between you was big enough for him to kill you but it was also small enough to tire and possibly injure him if you were planning on seriously fighting him. So he had to restrain you until this outburst escalated to something more serious.

“I don’t have time for this, [Name],” he warned you still countering your punches and kicks.

Those words only increased your frustration and so your attacks became quicker. It was evident that Illumi was playing with you. He gracefully danced around the room as you kept aiming at him. Then just as you grazed him you felt the wind get knocked out of you. Your daughter let out a gasp as you fell to the ground in pain.

Illumi looked down at you before crouching down next to you. Surely that wasn’t the first hit you took but it was the first one delivered to you by your husband. You tried to ignore the pain as you started catching your breath again. There was no way you were stopping now. Unfortunately, you were too impatient. The assassin forcefully grabbed your face, making sure your eyes were only watching him.

“I don’t like hurting you, [Name]. You know that right?” he said, his face only a few inches away from yours. “But I’m afraid I’ve been too indulgent with you. So tell me, my dear wife, did you think you could disobey me without consequences?”

Illumi’s grip tightened around your throat as horror filled your eyes. So that was what he looked like to other people you thought, a chill running down your spine. Deadly, cold and heartless. You felt sick. The man facing you seemed like a complete stranger suddenly. But you had been foolish to believe him when he had told you he would never hurt you.

Your daughter let out a small sob as she looked at her parents. Illumi who instantly caught the sound looked in her way. She took a step back, unsure about what she could do to help you. Her dad who saw her distress stood up, forcefully dragging you with him. You stumbled against his body as he turned your face towards her, his grip making you wince in pain.

“Don’t cry, Elmina. I’m just teaching your mother a lesson. But if you behave and listen to me then this shall never happen again. Do you understand me?” he asked his black eyes boring into her.

Your daughter nodded as she held back her sobs and dried her eyes, not wanting her father to hurt you further. The sight of her broke your heart and you wondered how heartless Illumi could be to guilt-trip your daughter like this. Your nails dug into the pale skin of his hands as you spoke.

“Don’t listen to him, Mina. I’m fine,” you attempted to reassure her despite your vulnerable position. 

Illumi responded by dragging you away from her. You tried fighting back but quickly realized you were in no state to do so. There was no telling what the assassin could do to you next. You had the impression of not knowing him anymore. You couldn’t predict his behaviour and that thought was terrifying.

Eventually, you reached a secluded area of the manor and was led to which seemed like an isolation room. Illumi unlocked it quickly with a code and you watched as the different doors opened. The room was completely empty except for a small bed in the middle. You weren’t exactly surprised by the existence of this room. The Zoldycks were quite a peculiar family after all. But that didn’t make it better either.

The assassin finally let go of you and watched as you rubbed the sensitive skin on your face and around your neck. This was sure to leave a few bruises, what a cruel reminder you thought. You sat down on the bed still recovering from the punch he had delivered to you. Despite the raging storm inside of you, you still felt grateful that Illumi didn’t break any of your bones.

“I’m quite annoyed right now, [Name]. I didn’t want to hit you but you aimed at me first. So, you can only blame yourself.”  
“How dare you say this?” you asked, eyes filling with tears.  
“I have nothing else to tell you except that you’re lucky I’m only locking you up for two weeks.”

Only for two weeks? You would have laughed if it wasn’t for the pain in your abdomen and the anger filling you.

“This will give you time to think about whether you should try disobeying me again or not. But be warned, if you try to escape from this place, I promise I won’t be as gentle next time. Do you understand me, my wife?” he asked in a cold tone.

You didn’t say anything. You couldn’t even look at him. All you could think about was how you failed to protect your child. But as Illumi left the room you swore to yourself that this was the first of as many attempts as it would take to save your daughter from him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 878
> 
> Pairing: Illumi Zoldyck x Reader
> 
> A/N: There will be a part 3 probably. Illumi is softer here but it's still angsty and he's an abusive shit.

You laid still on the small bed in the middle of the isolation room. The lack of other furniture made it look so big. Yet no matter how much space you had you still felt like you were suffocating. The bright orange light of the room made you sick, you missed the sunlight. You closed your eyes and switched position. But quickly regretted as it triggered a painful response from your muscles.

You had completely lost all notion of time and this made you very anxious. There was no telling when you’d be reunited with your daughter, which only increased that feeling of powerlessness you couldn’t get rid of. Furthermore, the few hours of sleep you were able to get were always haunted by Illumi. Sometimes you even had trouble distinguishing what was real and what wasn’t.

Being locked away like this was torture and despite how much you wanted to fight, the idea of disobeying your husband again made you shiver. You could feel your will weaken with each hour that passed. Illumi knew what he was doing after all. At this rate, he wouldn’t even need to needle you for you to finally bend to his will. It was pathetic, you felt so ashamed of yourself.

How would you protect your daughter if you were unable to protect yourself? There was no comfort you could provide to her in that state. You needed to be stronger for her. Now you knew you couldn’t oppose Illumi by using force. You had tried and failed miserably. But there must have been something you could do, right?

You were surprised by the metallic sound of the door opening a few hours later as you sat up on your bed. Your tired eyes watched as Illumi walked in. His silky black hair framed his beautiful face perfectly and you wondered if you were hallucinating once again. But when he stood next to you and his cold fingers stroked your sensitive skin you were brought back to reality.

His touch was so gentle, a sharp contrast to the last time you saw him. You could tell the deprivation you had been through was getting to you when you leaned into him, eager for some human contact. Illumi crouched down next to your bed, his empty eyes looking into yours. Then he spoke in a monotonous voice.

“I missed you.”

You weren’t sure how to respond to his words. A part of you knew you should have been boiling with rage. But the other part was so exhausted and lost, you weren’t sure you could think coherently anymore. So you stayed silent.

Illumi’s eyes scanned your body. As expected you had lost a lot of weight and was in no state to argue with him like you usually did. He felt satisfied, obtaining the results he had been looking for. However, he still felt somewhat sorry for you. You looked pitiful, yes. But there used to be a time the assassin looked just like you. He felt strange having those memories brought back to him now of all time. But he quickly brushed those thoughts away.

“Let’s get you out of here,” he said, reaching for your hands and carefully helping you up.

You held onto the assassin tightly as he brought you to your shared bathroom. The dizziness you felt was still present so you let him undress you and bath you silently. Illumi looked at you fondly as his hands gently massaged your scalp. The assassin enjoyed taking care of you so much. But to his dismay, you never seemed to like it.

Illumi knew you craved independence but to him, this could only bring you to your downfall, nothing else. He had been patient for you. Even you couldn’t deny it. But there was only so much he could give you. So now he needed you to listen to him and to know your place as his wife. The assassin would not tolerate any more of your outbursts and you had to understand that, for your own good.

After your bath, Illumi had ordered you to eat a little bit and get some rest. You listened to him still confused. But there was one thing however that you couldn’t stop thinking about, or rather one person.

“Where’s Elmina?” you asked in a small voice.  
“She’s in her bedroom.”  
“Can I see her?” you said, with pleading eyes.  
“No.”

Illumi’s response felt like a knife inside your chest. His denial unleashed your fury once again as you violently got out of bed. The assassin quickly caught you however and pulled you back in forcefully.

“You need to rest,” he told you in a cold voice.  
“I want to see her.”  
“I said no.”

Your eyes automatically filled with tears and his grip on you softened a little bit.

“I’ll let you see her when I have decided. If you disobey me once again, I’m sending you back to the isolation room, are we clear?” Illumi asked.

You simply nodded as tears started rolling down your cheeks. Illumi didn’t even spare you a glance as he left the bedroom and locked the door behind him. You held your pillow as sobs racked your body and you finally drifted off to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count: 1 044
> 
> Pairing: Illumi Zoldyck x Reader
> 
> A/N: First this is dubcon going into noncon tbh. So please don’t read this if it makes you uncomfortable. I hope you like it and please let me know what you think!!

Your days out of the isolation room were spent by yourself mostly. You would wake up early in the morning and butlers would come to serve you breakfast. Then you would shower and try to distract yourself from the thought of your daughter.

You had attempted to leave your bedroom several times. However, the doors were always guarded by Illumi’s servants and you were too afraid to do anything reckless. You had been locked up for two weeks and the result on your mental and physical health was deplorable. In this state, you were unsure about how much more of this treatment you could take before completely losing your mind.

Therefore you had to play your cards carefully. Now, Illumi knew what he was doing and it seemed to be no escape for you other than obeying your husband. But despite that feeling of hopelessness, you couldn’t forget that Elmina completely depended on you. Even if you couldn’t overpower Illumi, as her mother you had to make all of this easier for her somehow.

Unfortunately, your options were limited as your recovery was slow and seeing your daughter was denied to you. Your husband either wouldn’t visit you on your first few days outside of the isolation room. This somehow made you incredibly uneasy. You had expected him to at least check up on you. But he did none of that, which got you wondering whether you still had any value to him or not.

That thought had you feeling even more worthless than before and you soon found the days spent in your bedroom similar to those in the isolation room. Until Illumi visited you again. Your second meeting was strange. You didn’t know what to tell him and despite the anger you felt, you still missed him deeply, which scared you just as much. You wondered if he was aware.

Probably, your love for him was your downfall after all. In fact, that was specifically how you found yourself in this situation. Yet you couldn’t do anything as Illumi slid under the covers with you that night. He didn’t talk much, only complimenting you on your appearance and pointing out that you were recovering well. He also apologised for not coming to see you sooner as he was busy with work. You lied and told him it didn’t matter to you in a cold voice.

After that exchange, you both stayed quiet. Yet Illumi still wrapped your body with his strong arms as you turned off the lights. The action had your heartrate increasing instantly. But your husband was gentle with you, only burying his face in the crook of your neck as he held you. Despite that, you couldn’t help feeling fearful.

“I heard you tried to get out of our bedroom,” Illumi said calmly. “Even though I told you not to.”

The way the assassin caressed your skin clashed violently with the gravity of his words and you couldn’t help shivering at the thought of being sent back to the isolation room.

“Why is it so difficult for you to listen to me, [Name]?” he continued. “Is it that I’m too gentle with you?”

Your eyes filled with tears immediately as panic washed over you.

“I’m sorry Illumi,” you told him, voice cracking. “I just wanted to see her. I miss her so much.”  
“Of course you do,” Illumi said. “But tell me, why were you separated from her in the first place, my dear?”

You stayed silent for a moment. But Illumi’s grip on you started to tighten, urging you to answer him.

“Because I disobeyed you.”  
“Exactly. So what should you do now to avoid that, my love?” he asked in a monotonous voice. “Listen to you,” you admitted, tears rolling down your cheeks and onto your pillow.   
“Now we understand each other.”

You could feel Illumi’s cold lips against your neck, kissing your exposed skin slowly. Then his hands were sliding under your shirt, caressing your stomach until he found your breast. Tears kept rolling down your face while the assassin played with your hard nipples while his other hand slid in between your legs. It was unclear to you how you should have reacted.

Your body was clearly responding to him, the wetness of your panties was proof. You let your husband take off your underwear without a word. Then slide his slender fingers in between your folds. You wanted him, you wanted this. You had to convince yourself. Why else would you moan the way you were if not?

You were fast to come undone as Illumi methodically pumped his fingers inside of you, making you cry out his name as pleasure took over you.

“As long as you listen to me,” he whispered in your ear, a hand squeezing your breast while the other mercilessly violated your entrance. “Everything will be fine. Do you understand me?”  
“Yes, Illumi,” you let out in between cries of pleasure.   
“Good.”

Soon you were losing all notions of time as Illumi flipped you on your back and undressed, sliding in between your legs. All you could think about was the fullness of being filled so perfectly by him. His hips moved rhythmically, thrusting deeply into you. He missed you so much, he needed to remind you, so you would behave from now on.

Your nails scratched his muscular back while your walls clenched around him, his soft moans escaping right into your ears. Lost in the euphoria you felt all you could do was hold into him. Illumi, your lover and the greatest curse that fell upon you. Yet you still craved him more than ever before. Maybe it was the isolation, the manipulation or simply the destructive waves of feelings you felt for him.

Love, hate, anger, frustration and pain. Those were all emotions Illumi lit up inside of you. He was your everything and he had complete control over you. The way he treated your body tonight wasn’t just a reminder of his ownership. No, it was a reminder of how utterly devoted to him you would always be. You were his to break and to love. This was the terrifying truth. Still, you found yourself falling asleep curled up in his arms that night anyway.


End file.
